emmy the greatYou know that time of night, when you are lying in bed, halfway between asleep and awake and you suddenly realise you have been crying for the last 5 minutes because your parents have never told you that they love you? Or you are sitting at work, idly staring at your left hand, trying to figure out where that scar came from which jolts the memory of a girl you saw only once as the bus pulled away from the hairdresser’s window? Or you throw a small ball out of your bedroom window and chase it to find adventure, but when you see it you realise that the real adventure was back in your house with your incredibly sarcastic cat? Or you answer an advert in the back of a newspaper for amateur detectives and find yourself assigned to a case where you have to determine whether pushing your forefingers together will stop the rain? Or you find yourself in a backstreet library, tutting at their selection when you casually breathe on a panel of glass, revealing a poem written in spit about a boy who time travelled back to before the earth was formed and who now floats through emptiness waiting for creation to begin with only his dad’s ipod for company? No? Then don’t read this interview with Emmy the Great as neither of us will want you to. Bye.

Jed: I saw you in 2005 @ club hedonistic and there was a problem with the audience talking over your songs. You didn’t seem happy. Do you find this is the case now you are a little better known, or does the type of music you play evoke whispers and drink orders over your quiet songs?

Emmy: I am always grumpy. i like it when people talk over my songs. doesn’t happen as much now mind you but it’s fun when they do. means I can make mistakes and no one notices except the people listening. I win.

Jed: Emmy the Great, Alexander the Great and Gonzo the Great. Who would win in a fight? Bear in mind that Gonzo’s best mate is Rizzo the Rat so he may have taught him street fighting.

Emmy: I don’t know if rats are good at fighting i would have to say me because one of those people is super dead and I’m sorry to ruin it for you but I’m not sure gonzo has internal organs and muscles and shit.

Jed: If I was to write ‘Emmy The Great: The Musical’, based on your repertoire, would you mind if I made it about time travel and the search for God? I have this theory that it would create some sort of rift which, when stepped through, would allow me to lead the Audiojunkies into the promised land. If so, and you played yourself, which time period would you travel to?

Emmy: I would travel to ten minutes from now so i can check my myspace again.

It’s cool to make the Emmy musical about god or whatever. do i have to play myself? I am busy checking my Myspace.

Jed: There is a rumour you might put out ‘Edward is Deadward’ as the next single. Is there a particular Edd this refers to? If not can I tell me housemate Edd, who incidentally is the SuDoku Grand Master of the world, that you wrote it about him?

Emmy: Yes it is Ed Fornieles, artist and lovely twat. He is not dead. He lives in hackney wick and he rides a bicycle. His girlfriend is literally Emma from the archers. Literally.

Jed: ’Christmas in prison’ is lovely. Not literally, that would be horrible. The song is nice I mean. If you spent xmas in prison, do you think you would bring the lovely ladies of Holloway together by making them forget their predicament with the power of SONG?

 Would i have to go to holloway prison? Can’t i go to the priory?

Jed: No. Another great Emmy was Emmy Kate Montrose from Kenickie. I once nearly kissed her. I did manage to kiss one of her bandmates though. Not the male drummer. So now that’s been cleared up… Do you ever have any groupies to speak of?

Emmy: Yes my mum comes to all my gigs, it’s a bit awkward kissing her though cause i know it’s only cause i’m in a band.

Jed: It would be a bit rubbish of me to ask you where you thought you would be in 5 years time. Without the aforementioned time machine its impossible. Instead, where were you 5 years ago? What were you doing?

Emmy: Oh we don’t talk about that year. That was a bad year.

Jed: Celebrity Big Brother has just started so before anyone else asks you: would you go on it? If you did who would you like to be in the house with you? I’m guessing not Gonzo the Great as you two never did get on…

: I wouldn’t go on it as everyone would hate me very quickly. i would not like to poo in front of a camera and also i think to go on celebrity big brother you have to have done NOTHING AT ALL for the last two decades and i have at least been going to post office and stuff. if i did go in i would try and take someone with a worse character than me, so i looked better.

You any good at PAPER, SCISSORS, STONE? Let’s play. If you win Ill give you an easy Maths question. If I win, Ill give you a hard one. Ok….. STONE.



Jed: Cheat. Ok Finally a Maths Question: How many cubic feet of dirt are in a hole

of one foot deep, three feet long, and two feet wide?

Emmy: i’m asleep now.

See kids. Maths is fun! All of your pop heroes are doing it. Check our Emmy the Great in these far flung places:


but not at

words:Jed Shepherd


Short URL for this post: http://tmblr.co/ZCzKvx2QB7S0